Keep Off The Grass: how i got arrested by the russian militia

that's right, i've been in russia for three days, and i already managed to get arrested. what trip to russia would be complete without being carted down to the police station in an old van with three men in uniform? don't worry, it's all good now; but i'm sure it will make an interesting story. i promise every word of it is true.

kostya walked around downtown st-p with me all morning, and then we decided to buy some groceries and have a picnic. we reclined leisurely on the open grass of the mars fields, near a few other people doing the same. we were finished our yogurt and danishes and were simply sipping some fruit-flavoured milk when a dark blue van circa maybe 1998 drove up and three uniformed militia men got out and approached us. they asked kostya for his passport, and told us we weren't allowed to be there. when kostya asked why, they said we would leave garbage from our picnic...upon being shown that we were putting all refuse into a bag to be taken with us, they decided that what we were doing wrong was sitting on the grass (no keep-off-the-grass signs in sight, it should be noted). they asked for my passport, and kostya said i was canadian. then they asked us to come with them. kostya offered them some money (which is apparently the way these things are usually settled), but they insisted that we get into the van with them. kostya, i and one militiaman were squeezed into the van's backseat, sitting on an old towel. we drove for about 15 minutes (the back door of the van open the whole time), and eventually stopped in an alley behind a downtown building. as kostya and i climbed out of the building and entered the (unmarked) police station, a shabbily-dressed and bad-smelling young man was carted out of the trunk of the same van (apparently he was also sitting on the grass). we were all escorted past the front desk into a square, pale green room. the militiamen sat at a table on one side of the room and we three offenders sat on shabby but clean chairs on the other. the officers proceeded to question the smelly man beside me; apparently he didn't have any documents with him (never make that mistake in russia), which greatly displeased the officers; they called in another officer in civilian clothing who gave the smelly man a few sharp kicks to the leg and stomach, accusing him of being in the country illegally and ridiculing him for wearing such torn clothing. i was getting pretty freaked out at this point, having never actually sat beside a man getting beat, but stayed completely calm, assured that at least we had our passports and were cleanly dressed. finally, the officers called kostya up and started to question him. when they asked about me, he said i didn't speak or understand any russian, which was nice of him. in actuality, i understood almost everything being said, but was much more comfortable with the idea of not having to deal with these men directly. mostly they just asked questions about where we lived, where we studied, whether we worked...they had a lot of trouble figuring out how to write my name and address in russian. they also asked kostya why i wasn't freaking out or anything, haha, and told him he was being a bad influence on me (by buying me yogurt and taking me to sit on the grass?). eventually, we both signed some fairly nondescript forms, and all three of us were taken to another room to sit on benches in front of a blue wall, to wait. and wait. and wait for an entire hour. eventually another officer came and asked only kostya and i to return to the room. this time, all of us sat together at the table. the officer returned my passport and said there would be no problem for me. for kostya, though, he spent a good 20 minutes writing up a report detailing the crime - which basically said, this man was sitting on the grass - and told kostya that he would need to go to court to be fined in june (the fine being something like 10 or 20 dollars). kostya was required to write his own version of what happened on the report, which went something like "i was walking with my friend, and we bought some food and decided to sit on the grass to eat it." then they photocopied the form for him, and let us go. i don't know what happened to the smelly man. as kostya explained the whole thing to me, though, normally the police will accept bribes in such cases, but in order to keep statistics for the law they need to actually arrest people from time to time. this time they chose us.

don't sit on the grass in russia. even if you're with your russian friend who goes to sit there regularly, and even if there are no 'keep off the grass' signs. also, always - ALWAYS - carry your passport, and don't smell bad or wear torn jeans.